I must say a word, or a thousand, about perfectionism. I want things I do to be perfect or, at least, perfect by my standards. I have always seen being a perfectionist as a good thing. I’ve seen it as a strength that sets me apart. However, in recent years I have also realized that it can be a curse. Because of my perfectionist tendencies, I tend to not want to do anything unless I know that I can do it perfectly. What an absurd notion. I have realized that if I wait to do something until I am great at it, I will never do anything at all. I still believe that being a perfectionist can be a great quality, but it can also hold you back. I believe that being a perfectionist will help me be exceptional in what I choose to pursue, but it has also hindered me from pursuing anything to a degree that I could become exceptional. The fear of not being able to do something in a great way from the start has kept me from choosing a path and really becoming excellent at it. I ask myself so many questions. Will I really be good at this? Will I really enjoy this? What if I’m supposed to be doing something else? What if I completely fail? My experience may simply be my own, or maybe others can relate. Regardless, I have struggled to get on the path to reaching my potential.
Recently something very profound happened. Twice a year, the leaders of my church address us in what we call General Conference. They seek to spiritually strengthen and guide the members of our church. For two days during this biannual conference they give talks and sermons on various topics. At times I have had wonderful experiences while listening and have loved the messages shared. Other times it is hard to pay attention and it can be easy to tune out. However, during the most recent conference, I was shocked by a message that seemed intended just for me. The speaker, Dieter F. Uchtdorf, based his message around the book The Hobbit. If anyone knows me, the mere mention of this book or anything written by J. R. R. Tolkien would immediately catch my attention. I read The Lord of the Ringswhen I was about eleven years old and The Hobbit shortly after. They have since been my favorite books and I have read them several times. In college I wrote my capstone paper on the inspirations of J. R. R. Tolkien, someone whom I greatly admire. On a recent trip to Europe, I made sure that we stopped by Oxford in the U.K. to visit his grave and the places he lived, taught and socialized. Tolkien and his works obviously mean a great deal to me. So, when Elder Uchtdorf began his talk with mention of The Hobbit, I was instantly intrigued. He relayed the beginning of the book when Thorin’s company of dwarves, along with Gandalf, recruit Bilbo to accompany them on their journey. He related it to religious things of course, but I got something completely different out of it. I was obviously very familiar with the story, so maybe that’s the reason I was able to learn my own lesson from it. Bilbo lives a comfortable life, in a nice Hobbit Hole, where he gardens, reads, socializes, and smokes his pipe. He enjoys his life and loves the simplicity of it. Along comes Gandalf and the dwarves. The dwarves need someone to sneak into their mountain home and retrieve their lost treasure that Smaug the dragon has stolen. Bilbo refuses because he doesn’t want to leave his comfortable life. Though, I think that part of him wishes he were brave enough to join them. Eventually, with a little prodding from Gandalf, Bilbo runs out his door and on to the adventure of a life time. “To the end of his days Bilbo could never remember how he found himself outside, without a hat, walking-stick or any money, or anything that he usually took when he went out; leaving his second breakfast half-finished and quite unwashed-up, pushing his keys into Gandalf’s hands, and running as fast as his furry feet could carry him down the lane, past the great Mill, across The Water, and then on for a whole mile or more.” (The Hobbit p.28-29) Throughout the rest of the story, Bilbo encounters many dangerous moments and each time it seems as if he will quit and return home. The dwarves hardly believe in him and it is Gandalf alone that seems to know something that no one else does, not even Bilbo himself. Gandalf believe in Bilbo’s potential. He sees something in him and knows that he will rise to the occasion. He somehow knows that if Bilbo stayed in his comfortable life, he would never become all that he was meant to be. In the end, Gandalf was absolutely right. Bilbo became the hero of the story and rose on many occasions to meet the challenge. He returned home a different Hobbit, having reached his potential.
Having been reminded of the story, I was struck by how much I have felt like Bilbo. The struggle to find my purpose or direction in life hasn’t been particularly comfortable like Bilbo’s life, but sometimes people get caught in uncomfortable comfort zones. Perhaps Bilbo was in the same situation. Sometimes it’s easier to stay in a place you know even if it’s not where you want to be. This along with so many options, questions, and my perfectionism have hindered me from going on my own great adventure and reaching my potential.
Since returning from service as a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints in Lithuania, I have profoundly struggled to find my role in life. You could call it a career, direction, or even a purpose. I’m probably defined best as a jack of all trades and a master of none, with interests in many areas. In college, I studied business, music, manufacturing engineering, digital media, and finally graduated with a degree in history. I’d say that’s a pretty random assortment of fields of study. My interests go further with a love of playing music. I played the french horn up through High School. I picked up the drums in Junior High and that quickly became my musical passion, though I dabbled in guitar, bass guitar, piano, and vocals. I played in several band through High School and took up recording as well. I even attended college part time during my senior year of high school with the intention of becoming a recording engineer. Regrettably, music has taken a back seat in recent years. On another track I began building loud speakers with my dad in my early teens. Building beautiful and incredible sounding speakers gave me the perfect blend of creating with my hands and listening to music the way it was meant to be heard. For years, almost two decades now, my dad and I have had a dream of starting our own loud speaker company. It hasn’t happened yet. The Jack in me has further interests in sports, weight lifting, writing, video games, the outdoors, photography, videography, graphic design, woodworking, and travel; all of which I have spent significant time doing. At times I feel overwhelmed by all of the things I enjoy doing. That somehow seems backwards though. Things you enjoy shouldn’t stress you out. Having so many interests and being decent at lots of things might sound enticing to some, but in my situation I have found it stifling. Perhaps the overwhelmed feeling simply comes from not knowing what direction to take and which interest to fully pursue. Do I want to pursue music, or digital media, or business? Writing, loud speakers, or history? It’s a constant struggle. To say the least it has been a relentless question going through my mind for the past decade. My confusion about which direction to take, what to take to the next level, and what to keep as hobbies, along with how to balance everything that I want to do, has resulted in no direction at all. I have felt stuck for some time with hardly any movement, just trying to do enough to get by. This has been a terrible feeling.
Now, back to Bilbo’s story. In that moment, while listening to conference, I was impressed by Bilbo’s willingness to run out his door. He could have continued his excuses and missed his opportunity, but he somehow decided to run out his door. I had a profound feeling that I needed to be more like Bilbo. I felt that I needed to quit making excuses and run out my door, metaphorically speaking, so that I could reach my potential. That doesn’t mean making rash decisions, but just trying things. I will never know or decide what it is that I need to be doing with my life unless I run out my door and start somewhere. I don’t need to know if I will fail or if I will really truly enjoy it. I don’t need to know with 100% certainty that it’s the thing I’m meant to be doing. And, I surly don’t need to be perfect at it before I start. I think all of my questions will be answered as I start the journey and I will become exceptional as I move forward with continued preparation, consistency, and resolve. I know the hard days will come when I fail. I know it will be hard not to quit and return home. I’m not even sure what it is I will try first. I know, however, what I felt that day. I felt an urge to go for it; to find the courage and to run out my door.